Sometimes I feel at war with myself, but I know that’s not how I should feel. War within the self is a confusing paradox. It has to be civil war since it’s all within the same body, but it seems impossible to be at a war with oneself when you can’t live with an uncrossable divide within you.
I think I may not be completely at war. I have conflicting ideas, perhaps ideas that will change my entire way of looking at the world, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a battle. I wish invading thoughts that conflict with my rooted thoughts would mingle instead of thump against an abrasive wall. I’m getting better at it, but it’s not always easy.
I want to get to a place where I can rule my mind, body, and soul like a diplomatic, empathetic queen. I want to see the conflicts that uproot inside of me and delegate for each problem in a way that will move my entire being towards progress.
I think the hardest part is letting go after a decision has been made. Say I’ve decided to forgive myself for doing something that made me feel guilty. Well, the guilt is much harder to get rid of than deciding I’m forgiving myself. Or better yet, forgiving myself is much harder than simply deciding I want to do it.
My dad and step-mom are good cooks, and they’ve always discussed the fester-factor. Often times, food tastes better after it has sat mixed together, a.k.a. festered. I think the fester-factor can be considered in many more situations than food.
I’m a ponderous decision maker unless I’m under the pressure. Usually, I like to think about things for a while and imagine scenarios that will happen depending on each choice I could make. Sometimes I make decisions quicker than I’d prefer, which usually means an emotion was triggered—it’s about 50/50 chance whether that works out for the better. My thoughts fester, but I try to only allow them to stay at the forefront of my mind if they aren’t making me feel low.
It’s empowering to know that I have control over my thoughts, but I also have to know when it’s time to ponder versus time to let go. The funny part about letting something go is it can come right back if you allow it.
The mind is unyieldingly elastic, which is why we often have to be determined to let something go in order to truly do it. The hard part is remembering that we have the power to control where our thoughts take us and maintain that headspace of positivity.
It’s easy when something is bothering us to let it fester at the forefront of our minds; if it’s only making us feel low and ruin our mood, then it’s time to move on for now. Push it aside and let it fester on the back burner. Sometimes I have to distract myself with a task to remove sticky thoughts from my mind.
I try to do push things that bother me to the back and only think about it for limited time when I’m in a good space. This way I make somewhat reasonable conclusions, but it can take a week to really know where I stand on something.
The result could’ve been completely different if I tried to decide my stance in a day or two because I kept thinking about it and making myself feel worse. Of course, I want to expel the bad thought, so I’m going to make a rash decision to get it out and settle it. Typically, that doesn’t settle anything.
If a quicker response does help, then most likely I had been subconsciously thinking about it for a while before making the decision I thought was rash. Perhaps it came up briefly months or weeks before, so really I had taken more time to decide than what I thought.
To me, our minds are the most powerful tool on the planet. Minds can reshape realities and create new worlds around us. Learning how to control our hectic thoughts and overwhelming feelings that come with them can be the most important thing we ever do.
E.H. Campbell 